Finding the perfect apartment is so much easier than it used to be, now that we have great resources such as www.vacancy.com to help us in our search. In fact, it is much like online dating in many ways. [DISCLAIMER: It should not be assumed that finding the “perfect” apartment, or, in fact, the “perfect” man (if he even exists) will in any way secure one’s eternal happiness. The author of this essay, while acknowledging that this does happen from time to time, has yet to figure out how to make it work in her own life—in the case of either the apartment or the man—and therefore should not be relied on as an expert on the subject.] The similarities can be made clear by reviewing the questions outlined below.
Question #1: Is it/he functional? It is important to determine whether the apartment/man is functional before agreeing to rent or date. In the case of the apartment, does it have hardwood floors, ideal for those early morning workouts with Tony Horton (no, Tony is probably not the ideal man, despite the six-pack abs)? Is it open and spacious and able to accommodate those late-night study groups for that upcoming biology mid-term? Is it conveniently located close to campus and a grocery store (for those emergency Ben & Jerry’s runs)? In the case of Mr. Wonderful, does he have a car that functions properly? When he asks you out on a date, and then follows this question immediately with, “Do you mind driving,” that is a big red flag indicating that this man may not be functional. Can you carry on a conversation with him in areas other than sports and cars? If he is a student, is his GPA at least in the triple digits? If he has a job, does it entail having a food handler’s permit and counting out change at a drive-through window? All of these questions will help you identify functionality—or lack thereof—in a man.
Question #2: Is it/he comfortable? An apartment that is not comfortable is an abomination. Yes, it is important that it be attractive and clean, but if you don’t feel like you are really “home” the moment you walk through your door, then this apartment is not the one for you. If you don’t walk in at the end of the day and heave a big sigh of contentment just to be home, then it is time to break up with your apartment. This also goes for Mr. Right. Yes, it is important that he be attractive and clean, but if you don’t feel like you are really “home” the moment you see him, then he is not the guy for you. If you don’t heave that contented sigh every time he walks through your door, then it is time to set him free (with clear instructions that he is never to return).
Question #3: Does it/he have integrity? This is perhaps the most important question of all. Many apartments may look nice on the surface, but an apartment that has integrity goes so much further than gilding. An apartment with integrity will not get too hot in the summer or leak water onto your beautiful hardwood floor in the winter. This apartment would never let bugs inside, or allow mold to grow in its walls. When there is integrity, what you see is what you get. As regarding men, it is perhaps even more crucial to determine the existence of integrity. Does your seemingly kind and gentlemanly date hide a terrible temper just under the surface? Does he tell little white lies to others, causing you to wonder what lies he might be telling you? Does he stay away for periods of time, and then get angry and defensive when you ask him what he has been doing or where he has been? Do you know what corrosive thoughts may be growing inside his mind, or what cankering habits might be developing in his life? When integrity is in question, you can never ask too many questions. And a lack of integrity in an apartment or a man is an immediate deal breaker. Just walk away, and don’t look back (or you may have to deal with consequences that are much worse than being turned into a pillar of salt).
In conclusion, I recommend to anyone who is looking for the ideal apartment (see a great example at the link below), or the ideal date (no example available), to be sure to ask the right questions. If you do, you might just find the apartment and the man of your dreams, and you can all live together happily ever after (NOTE: Please see disclaimer in the first paragraph of this essay).